Portrait of a Girlie

Funny how things work out. Every day that Sonya is alive is one more day that I have been a mom. An occupation that I knew was inevitable, but not one I wanted to take on as a career. Teaching is becoming more and more a fringe of my life instead of the identity it held for so long. I think subconsciously I needed to be nurturing, and now that Sonya is here, that need has been filled and overflowed.



I look at her, and although none of her features match my own, she is me. Spend any amount of time with Sonya, and it is apparent she is my daughter in so many ways. Her methodical analysis of things, her spastic outbursts of frustration, her expectations for herself. It scares me to see so much of her in me. Why is that such a fear instead of a blessing that our children will become us? Is all we see in oursleves so horrible that you wouldn't wish it on anyone?



I wonder and worry how in the world did God ever think I'd be up for the awesome task and responsibility of living Christ in front of a little one enough that they would follow by example. I can't tell you how heavily I rely on grace for my mistakes that I'm sure will triumph here and there as I raise this little version of me. Everytime I ponder it, there are so many parallels to how Christ loves us so unconditionally, and how I get that chance to do that to children of His own.



Can you tell I miss her like crazy? I am at a new school this year and that has been fine, but going from 12 hours to 2 hours each day with her is quite a difference. Some would see this as a nice relief from the every day monotony, but those moments are lost forever, and I pray one day that I will be able to be a part of them all the time. One day...